As I said in my last post yesterday was a bad day and a good day. My best buddy got through PG but I wasted the whole evening. Also I was unable to concentrate and study or do anything; my mind was just too full of frightening thoughts. I was awake and walking and talking to my friends but my mind was caught in a nasty night mare. I do not have the courage to bring to paper the nightmare lest I re evoke its demons.
I tried studying later on in the night too but simply could not. At the verge of bursting into tears of frustration I abandoned my books and decided to write to myself. This is what I typed into my phone.
“Feel so horrible, have so much more to finish. I have written exams and passed with far less preparation but this time I am so scared. And sad. And tired. I know there’s too much to finish before the exam. I will get maybe 2 days to revise, which is grossly inadequate but what can I do now? I don’t even feel like studying I hate the fact that people think I am lazy. In fact I don’t know if I am just lazy or what.
Its this feeling of inadequacy that sucks. I know intellectually that I have read and know a lot lot more than last time but my greatest strength always has been a cool head and self confidence but this time i feel like shit. No self confidence. No God confidence either. No nothing. Just a messed up bundle of nerves”.
For someone who was feeling so low yesterday I think I am doing just great. I studied most of the morning and now am on postprandial break. This is my journal, not a pity harvesting gimmick so desist from “nice” comments, in fact desist from comments altogether, and mail me if you must. Written more for myself than for my esteemed readers.
Go away
Ciao
Schizo
Update. just as I was going to hit publish something made me go over to Jim Martin’s blog, and found this post about hard times. It doesn’t appeal to me today, but perhaps after this ordeal is over.. link.
5 responses so far ↓
1 sulz // Feb 1, 2007 at 11:55 am
it’s okay to blog when you’re stressed, you can do it on the exam day itself too. *you don’t get lousy grades for blogging, just lousy grades for not studying smart enough.*
good luck in your exams!
2 Schizo // Feb 1, 2007 at 1:30 pm
@sulz danke
3 wagi // Feb 2, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Smile, that’s what i do when I feel like crap (which usually doesn’t help).
4 Schizo // Feb 3, 2007 at 8:17 am
5 nelsonnium // Feb 3, 2007 at 12:43 pm
first of all my godfather, you need to get off the net and sit with da books my friend… I can’t believe that you’re so frustrated and scared when the entire of EU and the Brethen Community of Kerala is backing you with prayer. you can do it… you know you can. Take the jump trusting in HIM who is always faithful.
Luv you lots… God Bless You.
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