I leave for Vellore tonight. I do not want to go. Many reasons.
I remember first clinical too vividly, going to clinics with the gang, a confusingly fun first week, then the results came; I flunked physiology.
For five years I have lived in fear of failure, it’s been the only constant reason I studied, the only consistent motivator. I have grown up in many ways these years, learnt to let go many things, but the first year trauma is still fresh in the mind. There have been times of redemption; help from teachers, encouragement and love from family and friends yet like Prometheus on Caucasus I wait for Ethon to return.
The hurts we take can take three ways, they can rarely heal with out scar, or more commonly heal with scars or different sizes, but commonly they just fester, or remain fresh. We never learn from our mistakes or from others’, we know that a wound kept festering is just pointless pain leading only to more wounds. Contrary to popular belief it does not make you more careful or resistant it just makes you a creature full of pain. Scars are better. They are reminders and hold the flesh together with strong claws. But I hold on to my wounds. And times like these feel like sandpaper on the wound.
Then of course there is also the fact that i never can have enough of free tome, like now. To go back to vellore means going to hard work, your time dictated by others. Back to a losing battle, a lost war.
Wonder why god doesn’t feature in any of my posts about my insides, I guess its because he isn’t there, inside.
1 response so far ↓
1 Dr. Johnson C. Philip // Oct 3, 2006 at 4:08 am
Opening out one’s heart does make things light, so you did it good to share your emotions with others. However, there are few things that I must bring to your attention, and also to the attention of others who read you — to save much time for you.
1. Fear and terror is the reason why most people study! Only 10% study for pleasure, and unfortunately they miss of real life what the remaining 90% enjoy. Conversly, the 90% who enjoy life are not part of the 10% who study for pleasure. You cannot have the cake and eat it, unless you study AFTER you settle in life.
2. You need to fix your devotion. It breaks down for most people in Medical College, and only 10% are able to fix it. They come from both the streams mentioned above.
3. I, fortunately, did not study in a Medical School. I went to the University for my BSc and MSc. [I did PhD after settling in life for pleasure, and enjoyed it]. In BSc I flunked in Maths, and belive me it is not joke to live with it, I lived in terror for 10 years after I passed my BSc and even MSc. I used to get nightmares for 10 years after my MSc that I am in the exam hall and mind mind has gone blank.
Fortunately, all of us will one day get out of our terror. Will take time.
4. Today I live with another kind of terror. That my children are being pressed from all sides by the world — much more than what I faced. I presume this will continue till they settle well into their life and profession.
Dr. Johnson C. Philip
http://www.IntegratedApologetics.Com
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