The Blog Of Dysfunction

Are you backsliding?, people ask me when they come to know I haven’t been to church in months. And I usually tell them, to be pithy, that I am not, that my feet are firmly planted on the ground.

When I started this blog, I called myself a dysfunctional christian (and so the name of the blog). Now, I am pleased to announce that I am  not longer a dysfunctional christian and this is how that happened.

As a child, when I believed, it was because believing made the most sense. Everyone was doing it and the rationale seemed pretty tight, through a child’s eye anyway.

As I grew up (read: hit teenage) I realized things are not so straight forward, and started evaluating evidence as every thinking person does as part of his spiritual self discovery. After I had read and questioned a certain amount I was convinced that there was enough evidence to believe in god, the bible and other things. Mind you, my reading was mostly from stock conservative-creationist apologetic material (yes, shameful as it is, I used to hold the seven day creation myth as a science). But I was a believer, or so i (sic) believed.This was the toughest phase, because belief and faith don’t make your soul clean or sterilize your mind immediately.

So I went on with the struggles teens in conservative christian families go thru (I think), and, much to my horror, discovered porn and started noticing girls. My attraction to these “abominations” (not the girls, just the bit about me noticing them) made it clear to me that I was a horrible horrible person, and that it was only infinite mercy that could forgive me. Also had my first crush which, you guessed it, I thought was a grave sin, and I think I (gasp!) prayed for forgiveness. I was all of sixteen and already the biggest sinner on earth.

All this while I had no Idea, in spite of exposure to people of different faiths and from other christian backgrounds, that a world like mine existed in other churches and other cultures, and was under the impression that my church had it all, the one right way. Needless to say, it was a very self important snobbish jerk who entered med school.

In med school I came into contact with the side of Christianity that we in the brethren assemblies always deny exists. The Roman Catholic whose faith cannot be doubted, the Pentecostals whose lives were exemplary, and the Christians who couldn’t find the ten commandments in the bible but lived the golden rule. This, among other things shook me and started off the next wave of doubts that led me to examine what I had been taught as a brethren and by my own limited reading. I was shocked to realize that a lot of what I held as truth were at best half truths and at worst outright lies. This included my own beliefs, about myself, my faith and other people. All this upheaval lead to me rediscovering faith, a faith that was not restricted by the boundaries set by my church but was eager to learn from others and hated the narrow minded legalism of my own church.

Unfortunately some of us believe that the universe is essentially solvable and so can never rest inquiring. My next level of investigations led me deeper into the philosophy of what I called faith, studying the internal consistency of the bible, reading the atheistic perspectives and those of other religions. At the end of a long study that lasted till the end of my pre-final year, these studies left me convinced that there was in fact no internal consistency in some of the most fundamental doctrines, and in the rational and scientific evidences I based my faith on. Understandably this lead to about two years of intense existential crisis.

After coming here I have re examined everything I know, listened extensively to lectures by theologians, scientists and skeptics and have come to the conclusion that whether a person believes or not ultimately depends on the mystical property of faith. It does not depend on evidence, as evidence is not nearly good enough to make such life altering decisions as Christianity requires. I have realized that there can never be ever a rational explanation of Christianity that is perfect and airtight, no evidence that is irrefutable, and ultimately every thing rests on blind faith, as best said by Paul “for we walk by faith, not by sight” there are no empirical dimensions to faith as defined above.

I was happy have finally solved the problem, I realized that all my struggles were because I have no faith. I cannot bring myself to rest my life on principles and doctrines with no rationale, I would much rather wander around looking for the rational than make do with the irrational.

In the past I had the semblance of faith but it was almost always backed by what I believed was overwhelming evidence and even proof that my faith was valid and reasonable. Now I am convinced that such a stance can never be, as believing in the unseen and invisible is in fact a fantastical belief, it is faith. And I, have no faith.

Ciao

Schizo

PS: Even though my spiritual dysfunction is over, The blog will still carry its present name. For now at least.

This is a derivative of a letter I sent my parents last month, in my attempt to “come out of the closet” . This letter has subsequently gone to some close friends, and relatives. Why am I doing this? Because, now  I need a new identity, a one true to myself, even if it hurts me, and the people I love.

I usually don’t make new year resolutions, because, lets face it, the year is old from Jan 2nd. But this year, I have to do something. I have no new resolutions, but I have needs.

In 2009

I need to start waking up earlier. Getting up at nine thirty AM has its charms, but its messing up my mornings.

Which means I need to start sleeping earlier than 2am.

I need to manage my money better.much better. At the end of 8 months of working, making 9k per month, I have just 4k in my savings account. That is pathetic. Most of my money is spent on books, travel and food.

I need to start making money Online regularly, because what I make now is not enough to see me through higher education

I need to write regularly, because a rusty sword is a burden not a weapon.

I need to start my TKD classes again and loose weight

I need to avoid the cafe coffee days and their mochachillo with whipped cream on top

I need to increase my bursts of productivity and reduce the periods of lassitude

Also, I need to stop declaring myself  as the most awesome guy on the planet, it is causing too many suicides.

Ciao

Schizo

PS: I also need a girlfriend, to pick up after me (among other things). Or a secretary.

Dear readers, from now on, you can also read me at India’s Thought terminus: Mutiny (If I get about writing more, that is)

To start with I expose a secret killer.

Isn’t it great that there’s more of me to love now?

ola

schizo

in the continuous search for permanency, we forget to appreciate the beauty of everything that is transient.  Ramya Sriram

Like

What is permanent anyway? Not even perception.

Reality is not an illusion but has a half life.

You really need to stop and smell the roses.

Ciao

schizo
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images by  rosemary* bass_nroll Jean-François Chénier deegs calca schmish Today is a good day thtstudios cuellar Here’s Kate

It is possible that in a universe without shades of gray, I would be unhappy because I would have no choice. But I really do wish in this world, we had better ways of distinguishing the moral from the immoral, and right from wrong. In the absence of such clarity, we invented fantasy fiction and superheroes.

But the post-post modern superhuman seems to be not just amoral, but incapable of distinguishing between good and evil. I find the super hero of today more of a villain than a hero. I don’t like this darker, morbid and often fatalistic universe of deals with the devil and clearly wrong choices that they have no option but to make. I like to have some place where the line between the good guys and the bad and good and evil are relatively clear, and this new pantheon of villain-heroes with psychotic streaks is disturbing and upsetting.

We all need heroes, and we need heroes we can look up to in admiration and awe, we need them for motivation, mentoring, for serving as goals, to know that it can be done. We need to have heroes who make bad choices as well as good, we need to know they are human, in that they make mistakes, but special, in that they make amends and make better choices because of the bad one’s. Being human, is not a Calvinist living hell of absolute inability to be good but a struggle to make right choices in difficult times .

The new heroes we see are different, it is not just difficult, but impossible to tell them apart from the villains.

Yes, I have been watching Heroes

image by prawnpie

I know it’s a bit repetitive, I wrote it dammit!

He stared in wonder at the big boxes his father and the delivery man were carefully moving into the office. The office wasn’t really an office, it was just one corner of his parents’ bedroom which housed his dad’s precious typewriter perched on a table so messy as only a writer could have. His book stacks, growing with a viral intensity from the corner marked his territory. It was his sanctum sanctorm, the typewriter his ark. Though he didn’t know how, he had a feeling that things were going to change, drastically.

It was late already, his mom shushed him to bed, asking  him to let his dad be, as he clucked and grinned like a mad scientist.

When he woke up the next morning, the office looked different. For one, the table was clean and the trusty old typewriter was gone, but what amazed him the most was the replacement.  There sat in its place a giant, pale yellow square thingy with a dark screen, like a tv, perched atop another, rectangular box. which had 2 slots and was making busy noises. The keys were mounted separately, on an elongated tablet, from which a wire emerged and disappeared behind the rectangular box. The setup was quiet impressive and he had a million questions to ask his still-asleep father, but he would have to wait till he returned from school to find out what the contraption did.

He told his friends and class teacher of course, that’s what six year old’s do. And they refused to believe him, he had a reputation for making up elaborate stories when he forgot his homework. His class teacher who never hid from anyone that she was very fond of him took him aside during lunch hour and said “nandu, you make real good stories, but you are a good boy and good boy’s shouldn’t lie”.

Boy, were they in for surprises.

Image by cxAlena
cont..

This reality show of terror from outside and incompetence from inside is probably the most watched show ever in our history. Almost three days full of anguish and fear, uncertainty and struggle.

I feel, too many things.

Let down by those who we foolishly trust again and again to prevent this. Jealous of those who were born in countries where the police does its damn job and the politicians really care. Feeling guilty that I was happy that no one I care for was hurt. Wondering if things will ever change. Disgusted at the media for making this a pissing contest.

The largest democracy in the world, acclaimed to be the mother of all civilisations, expected to be a major superpower and the scientific prowess to launch a lunar satellite,  has a police force that doesn’t know what to do, an army that is not prepared or equipped, media that starts an orgy in the face of misery, politicians who are busy saving their own asses, and sadly, a populace that has already started to go on with its life, business like and with no expectations of great change. This has to stop.

We need the silent majority, the educated middle class to stick its head out from under the shell and stand for unity. We need to rally for accountability from our elected leaders. We need to make hatred and factionalism unfashionable.

We need a new generation of lay leaders and politicians, who are led by convictions not by power lust. People who will not promote factionalism for petty gains or believe that dividing people into groups and subgroups will do anybody any good. People who are led by a desire to push this country from its perpetual “developing” status to a developed tag, who understand the need for big businesses and multinationals as well as they do agricultural reforms and helping the farmer and empowering women. People who can see the big picture, can inspire the common man to better himself and end this terror ride.

We can do this, we dont have to go back to sleep and retract into our shells. I have to do this.

Image by Jenny